Are Your Relationship Expectations Realistic?
Having expectations in your relationship isn’t a bad thing. Wanting care, consistency, respect, and emotional safety is completely healthy and reasonable. You deserve those things.
The trouble usually starts not from having expectations, but from not understanding where they come from, or whether they’re grounded in reality, old wounds, or something you saw in a romantic comedy that looked really convincing at the time.
Where Your Expectations Actually Come From
Most of us don’t sit down and consciously decide what we expect from relationships. These ideas form quietly over time, shaped by early family dynamics, past relationships, cultural messages about what love “should” look like, and those Hollywood portrayals of romance that make everything look effortless.
Your attachment style also plays a role. If something feels like an absolute must-have in your relationship, it’s worth pausing to ask: What experience taught me this expectation was necessary?
When Expectations Become Unrealistic
Some expectations quietly set relationships up for disappointment. You might be dealing with unrealistic expectations if you find yourself believing your partner should meet all your emotional needs, thinking love should always feel easy, or assuming that conflict automatically means you’re incompatible.
Other signs include expecting your partner to change without you actually communicating what you need, or viewing effort itself as proof of love rather than clear communication. Real relationships require skill and practice, not mind-reading abilities.
Needs vs. Preferences: Why the Distinction Matters
Understanding the difference between needs and preferences can change everything. Needs are about safety, respect, and emotional availability—non-negotiable foundations. Preferences are about style, habit, and personality. They’re the “nice to haves” that add comfort but aren’t about fundamental wellbeing.
When preferences get treated like needs, tension builds quickly. For example, wanting frequent texts throughout the day might be a preference. Wanting responsiveness and reliability in communication is a need. Clarifying this difference helps both partners show up more accurately for each other.
The Attachment Factor
Your attachment style significantly influences what feels “reasonable” to you. If you have an anxious attachment style, you might expect frequent reassurance to feel safe. With avoidant attachment, you might expect more independence or emotional space. Neither is wrong, but unexamined attachment patterns can turn expectations into silent tests your partner doesn’t even know they’re taking.
When Expectations Are Really About Control
Sometimes expectations function less as bridges to connection and more as guardrails against pain. Rules like “if they really cared, they would…” often work as safety strategies. Unfortunately, they also limit curiosity, flexibility, and growth. Healthy relationships allow room for learning and imperfection, not just compliance with unspoken rules.
Reality-Checking Your Expectations
If you’re unsure whether an expectation is realistic, try asking yourself: Have I clearly communicated this? Is this humanly sustainable long-term? Does this allow for imperfection? Am I holding my partner to a standard I actually meet myself? These questions shift the focus from blame to genuine understanding.
Adjusting Without Settling
Letting go of unrealistic expectations doesn’t mean lowering your standards or settling for less than you deserve. It means shifting from fantasy-based ideas of love to skill-based ones, like repair after conflict, mutual accountability, emotional honesty, and consistent effort from both people.
Relationships thrive not because expectations are met perfectly every single time, but because they’re discussed openly and adjusted together as you both grow. Realistic expectations make room for growth. When expectations are flexible, clearly communicated, and grounded in reality, relationships feel less like constant performance reviews and more like genuine collaboration.
Therapy Can Help
If you’re struggling to navigate expectations in your relationship or want support in understanding your attachment patterns, our team would love to help. Contact us to learn more about couples counseling and individual therapy at Forward Together Counseling.